Time Flies...

Okay, so it's been a little while. I am thinking of beginning again with the blog world. Starting over. New look, new attitude. So don't totally give up on me, but I am not sure what to do. So until I get a new look, probably won't blog. I am hoping a new look will help me think of things to post about, besides weight loss, or the lack thereof.

So bear with, and we will see...

on the blog again...

Sorry, I know this was supposed to be an at least almost every day thing...and now more than a week has passed! A week of good and bad, and trying to continue to cut my portions smaller and smaller, so that i can lose more than 2 lbs!

I have had a couple of days where I have just basically said, I don't care. I want to eat, and I don't care if I am hungry or not. So I ate. I am trying to stop that, obviously that is not good. But really, sometimes I am so frustrated at myself and at having this battle at all. I am also frustrated by how fast the weight came off so long ago, and now doesn't want to budge. I get frustrated at how gung ho i was years ago,and now that i need to lose weight for more than just vanity, but to be healthier, I seem to be less motivated! What kind of whacked thinking is that?

No real insight on these questions, except I am still running to food too often. Although i have had some sucesses with praying and just saying, "Lord, i am not hungry, but i am gonna get up and get that bag of chips if I keep thinking about it. Please get my mind off the chips, and on you instead. Help me to not go get that bag. Take the desire away for what i don't really need, and fill it with you instead." You know that really works, I just don't use it enough.

I have done better the last 2 days or so, gone to bed without eating after supper, and not overeating during the day. Little sucesses...

Hope everyone is doing well! OH, my bible reading is going great! i am on schedule, and really love reading, some nights i read ahead to see what happens, when I have read these stories so many times before. The hunger for it is different, and I am loving that so much! Tell me, how is your reading going?

Catch up

I have missed a couple days, when I am ready to blog, barrett is usually working on something. But I have captured the computer for a few minutes, so here is a quick update.

I have done okay, but only okay. I am having to really really re-realize that it only takes a bit of food to fill me up. And that I am still doing too much grazing. I haven't been so full I am in pain since I started this, but can still tell that I am eating too much. So I am going to try to cut my food in half of half if we are out, and just really small portions at home.

I am trying to not weight until the end of January, the real way i will know if I am losing is my jeans fitting!

I did walk on the Treadmill today, which is something I haven't done for a long long time. and I am hoping to begin walking with lisa after work again very very soon! She has been out of town, and then the holidays before that. Excuses, Excuses!

I have a long distance partner in this, so hi to you! Hope things are going well, and that you are getting your walking in! I envy that, it's one of the things I love about New York--walking everywhere. I am going to start walking around our neighborhood since it is a bit warmer for as long as it lasts!

See you all tomorrow!

and day three

an okay day today, not to much really to blog about. Got Barrett up, made him breakfast, and went back to bed til 10:20. Then sat around having some decaf, and ate lunch at 11 or so.

I don't want to turn this into a food diary but sometimes it helps me to actually look at what I have eaten during the day. Makes me stop and say Whoa, really?

I have struggled a bit today with boredom eating, just passing thru and grabbing something in the kitchen, but have definetely done better than most days.

Not feeling overly full right now, which is usually how I end my days. That a plus, right?

I have to just go each day as it comes, not think about how long this may take. It's not gonna magically melt off, is it?

Well, I need to get the last of the laundry hung up, and get my Bible reading done...

so today was a better day eating wise than yesterday. Didn't overeat at all, and no snacking really...a few cream puffs at the dessert after church. Of course an afternoon nap helps the not eating thing!

We had great services today, I love our church so much! God has really blessed us this year, and shown us that we are moving the way He wants us too! Looking forward to great things in 2010!

I am off tomorrow, that will be a real test for me. No one else to see me eat, and I tend to overeat on those occasions! But now that I have somewhat of an accountability with the blog, I am feeling more confident that I don't Have to overeat...I can do this!

Have a great night!

Ham and Cool Ranch Doritos

It has been so long since I last blogged anything of substance. Halloween is fun and all, but not anything to think about deeply. I haven't had much to say, although much has happened in the last year, so very much! Sky got married, Barrett turned 16, we got a great son-in-law, Jon and Bec came home for a visit, Min and Perry are awaiting visas to head to the Philippines, a trip back to Guatemala, and more.

Oh, and I have gained about 10 lbs since I last blogged about losing 30 before Sky's wedding.

So, if you don't want to hear anymore about my weight issues, then stop here. Because I am so tired of this extra weight. And I feel like my only chance is to write about my struggle(at least that is what it feels like) with weight loss so that I can put how I feel on "paper" so to speak.

So each day I want to just let anyone interested how I've done. Not a food diary, and not a whine fest, but a true picture in the day of the life of someone addicted to food. Cause I really think I am. Addicted to food. I crave it, I eat it when I don't need it, I think about it, and I am always in some way, dealing with it. So this is it people, I am finished being this big, Rubenesque if you will. Not for my husband, who loves me no matter what size I am, but for me. I hate having to buy bigger and bigger clothes. Hate not having jeans that fit. I am finished with hating how I look, but not doing something about it but complain. And I know my family is tired of the complaining.

I purposely didn't read my last blog on my weight, because I am sure I am saying some of the same things I said the last time. But no matter, this is the time for me. Me. I am going to do this, with the Lord's help, cause really what I am craving is Him, and filling up with something else.

So, lets start with today. Great morning and afternoon. Little breakfast, then an orange for a snack at Sky's and popcorn for lunch at the movies. No extra butter, only cause they didn't have any. But not even alot of popcorn, cause it wasn't the best I've ever had. The getcha came at home after running by the store to get stuff for dinner. We had cream tacos, which i am not super fond of, so didn't eat that. But, I also got a ham for lunch tomorrow, and had a few pieces of that, along with too many Cool Ranch Doritos. I ate aimlessly while cooking the cream tacos, and of course before I knew it, i am past full. Not good. That's the thing for me, constant grazing, and not paying attention.

So, it begins. Read or not, that is totally up to you. But I will be blogging each day hopefully, so if you get bored...I will most likely be here!

oh, I am reading thru the Bible in chronological order. In Job right now. The great thing is, I am staying with it, even tho we are only on day 9, that is good for me! And, I am anxious to read each day...what will I see today? That's a nice change for me too.

Well, that's it for today...see you tomorrow.

Happy Halloween!

Well, it is 5:43 and we just had our first Trick or Treater...Mark is looking for the clicker to keep track. Last year was 303...hope we have enough candy!

well, since chad and skyler are here and chad had a piece of candy, we are counting them! Up to 3.

Up to 31 @ 6;31...of course my sister's kids and the Shelby kids were here and they look great as the Flinstones!

6:44--51! Gotta love this!

6:53--we are up to 62!

We are up to 107 at 7:04

7:15 and up to 127! A lot of the parents are dressed up too!

Alright folks, we are at 173! I mean, 177 and it is only 7:31...

7:38 and we have 199.

7:50 and so far...229! OH my, I love this!

Lights out at 8:30! We had 276 Trick or Treaters tonight!

Found this after following a link from Crystals facebook on another song from this guy. FUNNY!

Whenever I need a good cry...

Do you ever just need a good cry? The other night, I think after small group, we were all talking about Rachel McAdams, who is the star of one of my favorite movies, The Notebook. Mark saw her in Vegas, and we were trying to tell someone who she was...well, anyway, they had never seen the movie, and we were trying to tell them how good it was, it was so sad, perfect for whenever you need a good cry. I was saying that whenever I need a cry I know there are certain movies I can get, and they will, no matter how many times I have seen it, make me cry! "Why would I want to do that?" was the response. Now, I mean no slight to the one who said it, I was just surprised that someone might not ever feel that need. To just have a really good, long, get it out of your system crying jag. For no apparent reason either. I mean, if I had a reason, I wouldn't need the movie right? So of course that got me to thinking, what are my favorite "make me cry" movies? There is the obvious of course, the notebook and steel magnolias, which are KILLER cry movies, and just all around wonderful. The last few minutes of The Notebook are really all I need, and I'm off. The scene in Steel Magnolias in the cemetery is guaranteed to do it. One of my favorite movies is (for some strange reason), Selena. Again, sometimes all i need is the last few minutes. I have never been sure why I like this movie so much, but every time it is on, if I happen upon it, i cannot turn the channel. I have got to finish it!

My Girl, funny funny, and yet, one that will bring the tears for sure. Fried Green Tomatoes, for a few reasons makes me laugh and cry, from the beginning to the end.

And, also, a walk to remember is a good cry movie, so we keep it around. The last movie I could think of was Up close and Personal with Michelle Pfieffer and Robert Redford. Man, he is something else. I went to go see it with friends way back when, and we were all devastated at the end. Can't remember if we saw it coming, but we sure cried buckets!

So, what are your favorite cry movies? Guys, you may not have any, but maybe you know what makes your wife cry? Or your sister, friend, whoever? Tell me, surely I am not the only one who does this?

In about an hour, we will get started with small groups. Friends will begin to arrive, dessert will be shared, and we will watch our dvd and discuss. I love Sunday nights.
But right now is pretty good too. The house is clean, at least most of it. Lauren is bringing dessert (as she does each week, thanks Lauren!) and so the tea and lemonade are made, and the milk bought. Pretty much everything is ready.
But what makes it most special is my family is here. Skyler and Chad are sitting in the red chair, both out like a light. Barrett is under cover snoozing on the couch, and Mark is either sleeping or watching tv in the bedroom. so even tho we aren't talking, everything is quiet, I love that everyone is here together. That doesn't happen every day, and will be farther apart once sky and chad are married I'm sure.
This is when I am most content. I love being by myself, and until just a few months ago, fought hard for alone time. But I find more and more that I love being around my family, whether we are interacting, or everyone doing their own thing, it is the being together that I love. don't get me wrong, when the arguing starts, as it does naturally, I am back to wanting the aloneness. But even in the arguing, there is the moment of making up, knowing that no matter how much we get on each others nerves, there is nothing like family. Knowing someone always has your best interest at heart, they've got your back.
so I am cherishing this moment, looking forward to the evening, thankful to God for such a beautiful, wonderful, ordinary day.

Sorry it has been so long...

Oh my I am so ready for Spring

My husband is the best thing that ever happened to me

Ever really really miss something silly, like a cup of coffee?

Today I get to go to the Esther Bible study. I love it.

How many licks DOES it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

Is a tootsie pop even chocolate?

Not much longer til skyler's wedding...88 days

God is good.

And the 5th pregnant person is...

Well, had to get your attention somehow. I don't really know anyone else that is pregnant. It's just been so long since I blogged, I thought I had better come up with a great title.

First things first. No new weight loss. 8-10 lbs so far, depending on the day. I could say its due to "female issues" at this time of my life...or that I am taking it slow so the results will stick. Truth is, I just eat more than I should. Still. 

Wedding plans are taking off. Only 2 days less than 4 months to go, and it is going fast. Fun Fun. Got my dress(es) it is between 2, but we got such an amazing deal on them that we will decide for sure later. And I can still keep the loser for something else, even tho I hardly ever wear dresses. 

CD sales  went great. We just about have Barrett paid for and can begin to finish paying for Mark. However, if you are reading this and want one, we have plenty. Just let me know!

I am getting to go on the trip also, someone(thank you so much!!!) paid for me to go, I can hardly believe it, and am so excited. 

Jon and Bec and kids will be here for the wedding...you have read that on her blog i am sure, we are so so happy. Can't wait to see them. 

Nothing new really, just was afraid I would get the boot for not blogging in so long. 

I am ready for spring. 

Mark is finally home...

I am so happy to have Mark home after his week long, long journey...I can't wait to start on Admin's 7 day challenge.

Halloween...2

So, it's our 2nd Halloween at 558 Peacock. Couldn't let the night go by without keeping count of our trick-or-treaters! I am as excited as I was last year...so here goes!

6:23--the count is 5 so far.

6:40--we are up to 35

6:48--42!

6:50--56!

6:57--we are up to 81!

7:10--oh my! 135. What if we run out of candy?

7:11--147. We are gonna run out of candy.

7:36--189.I am holding Naomi, and she is not real happy about that.

7:20--154. Some one is handing out bags of chips. I wanna go to that house!

7:44--213.

7:47--224

7:57---239. Way more than last year when we only had 168! 

i went back and read last years blog, i gave much more detail about costumes, and other trivia. Too busy this year, sorry!

8:05--262--lots of kids just came to see Barrett

8:16--281 and counting!

8:29--289. it is slowing down, we may be done for the night. 

9:06--299 and we seem to be done...just one more....

9:16--303!!!!!

my kids

here are photos of my kids. Can you believe it? 

Facebook

So I have a facebook. I have been looking at photos on everyone elses and i don't have any on mine. I even own a camera, but never take pictures! I think I might start, but sometimes it seems pointless when Mark takes so many, not to mention our families pro photog chad, and lisa, and tiffany, and crystal, and rachel, and...anyway, i should really either get on this bandwagon, or get off. That camera is not doing me any good in my purse, now, is it?

I hate winter. I am not even really fond of fall. I hate that it is dark so early in the evening and when we get up. I hate that it will soon be cold. I am however thankful that we have had such great football weather. But really, honestly, i could live somewhere sunny and warm all year long, and not miss the seasons changing. I would love it. Now in complete contrast to what I have just said, I am also kinda in the mood for a thunderstorm. Nothing severe, just some thunder and lightening and rain. A nice calm storm. Just enough to get me past this "I need a thunderstorm" feeling. Does anyone else ever get that feeling? It's right up there with "I need to strangle a cat right this minute" which I have never done, nor will I. Just sometimes I feel like I might need to.

Well, dishes are waiting in the sink. It is only 7:52 pm, but I feel like it must be at least 11. It's that early darkness thing.

oh, by the way, I am at 139. slowly but surely, feasting on Him.

I don't want to talk about it...

but i said I would, so here goes:  I am still eating too much. Obviously, since I have not lost even one pound in over 3 weeks. That is ridiculous, and I am embarrassed to even be admitting it. It feels worse than admitting my weight. I know this is really a trust issue, can God really satisfy me like I fool myself into thinking food does? Are a few more bites really gonna hurt? Do I really want to give up this part of me that I am so strongly holding on to? I want to say yes, yes, of course yes. But my refusal to give up even a little bit more food would tell a different story I think.

I have done fairly well with less snacking. But I still eat too much at night. I don't snack constantly at night like I used to but still eat too much dinner. I am a night eater, and it is so hard for me to give up what I have done for so long. It is like being addicted to a drug. I know it is bad, I know it is not helping me at all, in fact it is hurting me, both physically and emotionally, but still I pursue it like I can't live without it. I am comfortable with feeling just a little too full. It is the feeling I have lived with for so many years. Painful, sure sometimes, but it is not as "scary" as leaving the food behind and actually doing this. I feel stupid even blogging about food this way. I want it to just be will power. But it isn't. It is being willing to give up what I have given into for years. Being willing to submit, trust and move forward, not just leaving food on my plate.

I know if you are a naturally thin eater, you do not understand this at all. Food is not a problem for you. Be glad, but perhaps you have other vices. Smoking, drinking, shopping, it is the feeling that you can't let go of whatever it is, you need it. Well, i need food, but not too much food. I am a person who wants to know "how much an I eat today and still lose" not "how little food do I actually need to eat today?" I tend to mourn the food I don't get to eat...instead of celebrating. Sad huh?

Well, I am sure I have said enough for today. I will try to blog more about this journey. I am certainly wandering in the desert right now...knowing the promised land is in sight, but scared to trust the One who has promised it to me. 

Bad week

I told you I would be honest thru this. So, it has been a bad week, eating wise. I have had some stressful situations this week, and even when I have been aware that my first thought was, what can I eat, I followed thru on that thought way too often. So, no weight lost, and I really should be in a third week of steady weight loss. Just because I don't snack doesn't mean I can still eat the same amount of food. The only way to lose the weight, is to stop putting the food in my mouth. Only fill the tank, not try to fill the reserve too. 

I have much appreciated the encouraging words from those of you who have mentioned it. I don't only want to do this for myself, I want to be able to encourage others with this, and I can't do that and stay at the same weight. 

So, I won't say I will start again tomorrow,  I will start now. Believe me, the fact that it is 9 pm usually wouldn't stop me from snacking. 

Also, I am positive that the itrain 30 days bible study will be a huge help. I always do better with my quiet time when I am being accountable to someone...and who better than the blog world? If you have not signed up yet to do this, you should. 

So no new weight to post...still between 142 and 145, depending on the day. But enough of that, I am going to do this...only with HIS help tho. I obviously don't have the will on my own. But that is probably a good thing for me to remember---his will, not mine.

142

that's the lowest weight this week, however, since weight can go up and down by four pounds a day, not such a big deal. i said i would be honest in this endeavor...so i will. this week has been good and bad, some times eating til full, and not eating when i am not hungry is easy. sometimes, not so much. i do find myself being a little more picky about what i am eating, at least most of the time. but i have definitely had my moments of stress eating. and realizing how often that is my first thought during a stressful time--what can i eat?

so here are some of the principles of a thin eater. You only eat when hungry, and my signal is a growl. I can talk myself into "feeling" hungry, but my sure signal is a growl...so that is what i need to wait for. You also stop when you feel full. I seem to give a deep breath when i am full...and sometimes this is only after a few bites. And that usually seems quite unfair to me. Really? Three bites? That's all??? Which brings me to the next thing. Eat slowly, and in small bites.  That way you don't feel cheated after a small amount of food. And start with a small amount of food. cut your regular portion size in half. most of the time you still won't really need even that much food, but if you do eat all of the smaller portion, it is still half of what you would normally put on a plate. at a restaurant, immediately cut food in half and get a to go box. out of sight, out of mouth. Try to think of food as gas for your body. You only need so much to get to the next stop. Fill the tank, and then leave the pump. You don't want to put in more than you need. 

I also am quite aware that I am a mourner of the food i don't get to eat. perhaps we will talk about that another time...this is getting long.

Off to the bridal fair, lot's of cake there. But honestly, since it is something sweet, i won't have a lot of trouble turning some down. However, if we were trying to pick potato chips or something salty, i might be in trouble. that too is a discussion for another day.

145

that's what i weigh. 145. i joked last night about trying to type such a big number. i even thought about typing it out...one hundred forty five. but that makes it look even bigger. i also thought about not admitting what my weight is, i would wait until i lost to my goal, and then announce "i lost 35 pounds" or whatever. and perhaps you are wishing i would have. but it seems more shocking to put my actual weight in writing, in green and white. and i really feel like i need a shock to get going on this. because there is a part of me that is saying, "really??? how have i gained this weight? how can i weigh more than i ever have, except when i was pregnant?" 

if i am honest with myself, i know exactly how. 12 years ago, i weighed 108. i kept that for almost 3 years...not a long time, i know. but when my grandpa passed away in 96, i did not want to stay with the principle of only eating until full. i missed him so much, there was so much good food around my grandma's house from friends at their church...and somehow i convinced myself that the food was a comfort, that stuffing my face made me miss my grandpa just a little less. that started a cycle of eating constantly, starting in the early evening and going until i went to bed. i am still fighting that cycle, because now it is done without even thinking of it. i just eat. now i don't always seek comfort from food, i just consume it without thinking. 

so, now here i am. i have until may 1 to reach my goal, cause i will need to be at my goal to  get a really cool dress for skyler's wedding. and i don't want to be unhealthy anymore. my hips hurt all the time, and i know that a big(no pun intended) part is my weight on them. and, mostly i am tired of complaining about being fat, but not doing anything to lose the weight. 

so here we go...next blog i will try to give a short overview about the principles i am using to lose the weight...not a diet, a change in lifestyle. so, so do-able. but only if i am consistent, and learn to lean on God, to seek comfort from Him, to be constantly aware of Him, and not use food as a substitute for what He can, and wants, to give me.