145

that's what i weigh. 145. i joked last night about trying to type such a big number. i even thought about typing it out...one hundred forty five. but that makes it look even bigger. i also thought about not admitting what my weight is, i would wait until i lost to my goal, and then announce "i lost 35 pounds" or whatever. and perhaps you are wishing i would have. but it seems more shocking to put my actual weight in writing, in green and white. and i really feel like i need a shock to get going on this. because there is a part of me that is saying, "really??? how have i gained this weight? how can i weigh more than i ever have, except when i was pregnant?" 

if i am honest with myself, i know exactly how. 12 years ago, i weighed 108. i kept that for almost 3 years...not a long time, i know. but when my grandpa passed away in 96, i did not want to stay with the principle of only eating until full. i missed him so much, there was so much good food around my grandma's house from friends at their church...and somehow i convinced myself that the food was a comfort, that stuffing my face made me miss my grandpa just a little less. that started a cycle of eating constantly, starting in the early evening and going until i went to bed. i am still fighting that cycle, because now it is done without even thinking of it. i just eat. now i don't always seek comfort from food, i just consume it without thinking. 

so, now here i am. i have until may 1 to reach my goal, cause i will need to be at my goal to  get a really cool dress for skyler's wedding. and i don't want to be unhealthy anymore. my hips hurt all the time, and i know that a big(no pun intended) part is my weight on them. and, mostly i am tired of complaining about being fat, but not doing anything to lose the weight. 

so here we go...next blog i will try to give a short overview about the principles i am using to lose the weight...not a diet, a change in lifestyle. so, so do-able. but only if i am consistent, and learn to lean on God, to seek comfort from Him, to be constantly aware of Him, and not use food as a substitute for what He can, and wants, to give me.