142

that's the lowest weight this week, however, since weight can go up and down by four pounds a day, not such a big deal. i said i would be honest in this endeavor...so i will. this week has been good and bad, some times eating til full, and not eating when i am not hungry is easy. sometimes, not so much. i do find myself being a little more picky about what i am eating, at least most of the time. but i have definitely had my moments of stress eating. and realizing how often that is my first thought during a stressful time--what can i eat?

so here are some of the principles of a thin eater. You only eat when hungry, and my signal is a growl. I can talk myself into "feeling" hungry, but my sure signal is a growl...so that is what i need to wait for. You also stop when you feel full. I seem to give a deep breath when i am full...and sometimes this is only after a few bites. And that usually seems quite unfair to me. Really? Three bites? That's all??? Which brings me to the next thing. Eat slowly, and in small bites.  That way you don't feel cheated after a small amount of food. And start with a small amount of food. cut your regular portion size in half. most of the time you still won't really need even that much food, but if you do eat all of the smaller portion, it is still half of what you would normally put on a plate. at a restaurant, immediately cut food in half and get a to go box. out of sight, out of mouth. Try to think of food as gas for your body. You only need so much to get to the next stop. Fill the tank, and then leave the pump. You don't want to put in more than you need. 

I also am quite aware that I am a mourner of the food i don't get to eat. perhaps we will talk about that another time...this is getting long.

Off to the bridal fair, lot's of cake there. But honestly, since it is something sweet, i won't have a lot of trouble turning some down. However, if we were trying to pick potato chips or something salty, i might be in trouble. that too is a discussion for another day.

145

that's what i weigh. 145. i joked last night about trying to type such a big number. i even thought about typing it out...one hundred forty five. but that makes it look even bigger. i also thought about not admitting what my weight is, i would wait until i lost to my goal, and then announce "i lost 35 pounds" or whatever. and perhaps you are wishing i would have. but it seems more shocking to put my actual weight in writing, in green and white. and i really feel like i need a shock to get going on this. because there is a part of me that is saying, "really??? how have i gained this weight? how can i weigh more than i ever have, except when i was pregnant?" 

if i am honest with myself, i know exactly how. 12 years ago, i weighed 108. i kept that for almost 3 years...not a long time, i know. but when my grandpa passed away in 96, i did not want to stay with the principle of only eating until full. i missed him so much, there was so much good food around my grandma's house from friends at their church...and somehow i convinced myself that the food was a comfort, that stuffing my face made me miss my grandpa just a little less. that started a cycle of eating constantly, starting in the early evening and going until i went to bed. i am still fighting that cycle, because now it is done without even thinking of it. i just eat. now i don't always seek comfort from food, i just consume it without thinking. 

so, now here i am. i have until may 1 to reach my goal, cause i will need to be at my goal to  get a really cool dress for skyler's wedding. and i don't want to be unhealthy anymore. my hips hurt all the time, and i know that a big(no pun intended) part is my weight on them. and, mostly i am tired of complaining about being fat, but not doing anything to lose the weight. 

so here we go...next blog i will try to give a short overview about the principles i am using to lose the weight...not a diet, a change in lifestyle. so, so do-able. but only if i am consistent, and learn to lean on God, to seek comfort from Him, to be constantly aware of Him, and not use food as a substitute for what He can, and wants, to give me.

Just another day in paradise

so i was gonna get all mushy and post a video of a song i heard today: phil vassar's "just another day in paradise". but when i went to youtube---the embedding had been disabled. i hate that. oh well, catchy little country tune, not new, but it made me think of hillenblog. one line says "well, it's two hearts, one dream, wouldn't trade it for anything". i feel like that is us...and i really wouldn't trade it for anything. maybe it's coacher's blog about his wife, or planning out sky & chad's wedding, or the upcoming nuptials of mandy & bradley, or maybe realizing how fast the last 19 years have passed. whatever, it made me think that i really do like that guy.

another thing i like is all lower case. i am sure it is driving someone crazy out there, and it may not last long, but mandy and bradley's invitations are all lower case, and i like it.

i will be blogging more often, but you may not wanna tune in. I am gonna be losing some weight, hopefully, before sky's wedding, and i have decided to blog about it. maybe putting it all out there will inspire me to keep with it. it will not be pretty, but it will be honest. you've been warned.

barrett started high school today. i prayed for him all day. we start at 7:30 now, so up at 6 and out the door by 7:05. killer. but so far so good!! he gave me a hug a bit ago and said mom, high school is okay. so at least the first day went well, and we can look forward to a good year.

well, omelets for dinner, eating only til full, with good friends over to share. love it.