In about an hour, we will get started with small groups. Friends will begin to arrive, dessert will be shared, and we will watch our dvd and discuss. I love Sunday nights.
But right now is pretty good too. The house is clean, at least most of it. Lauren is bringing dessert (as she does each week, thanks Lauren!) and so the tea and lemonade are made, and the milk bought. Pretty much everything is ready.
But what makes it most special is my family is here. Skyler and Chad are sitting in the red chair, both out like a light. Barrett is under cover snoozing on the couch, and Mark is either sleeping or watching tv in the bedroom. so even tho we aren't talking, everything is quiet, I love that everyone is here together. That doesn't happen every day, and will be farther apart once sky and chad are married I'm sure.
This is when I am most content. I love being by myself, and until just a few months ago, fought hard for alone time. But I find more and more that I love being around my family, whether we are interacting, or everyone doing their own thing, it is the being together that I love. don't get me wrong, when the arguing starts, as it does naturally, I am back to wanting the aloneness. But even in the arguing, there is the moment of making up, knowing that no matter how much we get on each others nerves, there is nothing like family. Knowing someone always has your best interest at heart, they've got your back.
so I am cherishing this moment, looking forward to the evening, thankful to God for such a beautiful, wonderful, ordinary day.

Sorry it has been so long...

Oh my I am so ready for Spring

My husband is the best thing that ever happened to me

Ever really really miss something silly, like a cup of coffee?

Today I get to go to the Esther Bible study. I love it.

How many licks DOES it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

Is a tootsie pop even chocolate?

Not much longer til skyler's wedding...88 days

God is good.

And the 5th pregnant person is...

Well, had to get your attention somehow. I don't really know anyone else that is pregnant. It's just been so long since I blogged, I thought I had better come up with a great title.

First things first. No new weight loss. 8-10 lbs so far, depending on the day. I could say its due to "female issues" at this time of my life...or that I am taking it slow so the results will stick. Truth is, I just eat more than I should. Still. 

Wedding plans are taking off. Only 2 days less than 4 months to go, and it is going fast. Fun Fun. Got my dress(es) it is between 2, but we got such an amazing deal on them that we will decide for sure later. And I can still keep the loser for something else, even tho I hardly ever wear dresses. 

CD sales  went great. We just about have Barrett paid for and can begin to finish paying for Mark. However, if you are reading this and want one, we have plenty. Just let me know!

I am getting to go on the trip also, someone(thank you so much!!!) paid for me to go, I can hardly believe it, and am so excited. 

Jon and Bec and kids will be here for the wedding...you have read that on her blog i am sure, we are so so happy. Can't wait to see them. 

Nothing new really, just was afraid I would get the boot for not blogging in so long. 

I am ready for spring. 

Mark is finally home...

I am so happy to have Mark home after his week long, long journey...I can't wait to start on Admin's 7 day challenge.

Halloween...2

So, it's our 2nd Halloween at 558 Peacock. Couldn't let the night go by without keeping count of our trick-or-treaters! I am as excited as I was last year...so here goes!

6:23--the count is 5 so far.

6:40--we are up to 35

6:48--42!

6:50--56!

6:57--we are up to 81!

7:10--oh my! 135. What if we run out of candy?

7:11--147. We are gonna run out of candy.

7:36--189.I am holding Naomi, and she is not real happy about that.

7:20--154. Some one is handing out bags of chips. I wanna go to that house!

7:44--213.

7:47--224

7:57---239. Way more than last year when we only had 168! 

i went back and read last years blog, i gave much more detail about costumes, and other trivia. Too busy this year, sorry!

8:05--262--lots of kids just came to see Barrett

8:16--281 and counting!

8:29--289. it is slowing down, we may be done for the night. 

9:06--299 and we seem to be done...just one more....

9:16--303!!!!!

my kids

here are photos of my kids. Can you believe it? 

Facebook

So I have a facebook. I have been looking at photos on everyone elses and i don't have any on mine. I even own a camera, but never take pictures! I think I might start, but sometimes it seems pointless when Mark takes so many, not to mention our families pro photog chad, and lisa, and tiffany, and crystal, and rachel, and...anyway, i should really either get on this bandwagon, or get off. That camera is not doing me any good in my purse, now, is it?

I hate winter. I am not even really fond of fall. I hate that it is dark so early in the evening and when we get up. I hate that it will soon be cold. I am however thankful that we have had such great football weather. But really, honestly, i could live somewhere sunny and warm all year long, and not miss the seasons changing. I would love it. Now in complete contrast to what I have just said, I am also kinda in the mood for a thunderstorm. Nothing severe, just some thunder and lightening and rain. A nice calm storm. Just enough to get me past this "I need a thunderstorm" feeling. Does anyone else ever get that feeling? It's right up there with "I need to strangle a cat right this minute" which I have never done, nor will I. Just sometimes I feel like I might need to.

Well, dishes are waiting in the sink. It is only 7:52 pm, but I feel like it must be at least 11. It's that early darkness thing.

oh, by the way, I am at 139. slowly but surely, feasting on Him.

I don't want to talk about it...

but i said I would, so here goes:  I am still eating too much. Obviously, since I have not lost even one pound in over 3 weeks. That is ridiculous, and I am embarrassed to even be admitting it. It feels worse than admitting my weight. I know this is really a trust issue, can God really satisfy me like I fool myself into thinking food does? Are a few more bites really gonna hurt? Do I really want to give up this part of me that I am so strongly holding on to? I want to say yes, yes, of course yes. But my refusal to give up even a little bit more food would tell a different story I think.

I have done fairly well with less snacking. But I still eat too much at night. I don't snack constantly at night like I used to but still eat too much dinner. I am a night eater, and it is so hard for me to give up what I have done for so long. It is like being addicted to a drug. I know it is bad, I know it is not helping me at all, in fact it is hurting me, both physically and emotionally, but still I pursue it like I can't live without it. I am comfortable with feeling just a little too full. It is the feeling I have lived with for so many years. Painful, sure sometimes, but it is not as "scary" as leaving the food behind and actually doing this. I feel stupid even blogging about food this way. I want it to just be will power. But it isn't. It is being willing to give up what I have given into for years. Being willing to submit, trust and move forward, not just leaving food on my plate.

I know if you are a naturally thin eater, you do not understand this at all. Food is not a problem for you. Be glad, but perhaps you have other vices. Smoking, drinking, shopping, it is the feeling that you can't let go of whatever it is, you need it. Well, i need food, but not too much food. I am a person who wants to know "how much an I eat today and still lose" not "how little food do I actually need to eat today?" I tend to mourn the food I don't get to eat...instead of celebrating. Sad huh?

Well, I am sure I have said enough for today. I will try to blog more about this journey. I am certainly wandering in the desert right now...knowing the promised land is in sight, but scared to trust the One who has promised it to me. 

Bad week

I told you I would be honest thru this. So, it has been a bad week, eating wise. I have had some stressful situations this week, and even when I have been aware that my first thought was, what can I eat, I followed thru on that thought way too often. So, no weight lost, and I really should be in a third week of steady weight loss. Just because I don't snack doesn't mean I can still eat the same amount of food. The only way to lose the weight, is to stop putting the food in my mouth. Only fill the tank, not try to fill the reserve too. 

I have much appreciated the encouraging words from those of you who have mentioned it. I don't only want to do this for myself, I want to be able to encourage others with this, and I can't do that and stay at the same weight. 

So, I won't say I will start again tomorrow,  I will start now. Believe me, the fact that it is 9 pm usually wouldn't stop me from snacking. 

Also, I am positive that the itrain 30 days bible study will be a huge help. I always do better with my quiet time when I am being accountable to someone...and who better than the blog world? If you have not signed up yet to do this, you should. 

So no new weight to post...still between 142 and 145, depending on the day. But enough of that, I am going to do this...only with HIS help tho. I obviously don't have the will on my own. But that is probably a good thing for me to remember---his will, not mine.

142

that's the lowest weight this week, however, since weight can go up and down by four pounds a day, not such a big deal. i said i would be honest in this endeavor...so i will. this week has been good and bad, some times eating til full, and not eating when i am not hungry is easy. sometimes, not so much. i do find myself being a little more picky about what i am eating, at least most of the time. but i have definitely had my moments of stress eating. and realizing how often that is my first thought during a stressful time--what can i eat?

so here are some of the principles of a thin eater. You only eat when hungry, and my signal is a growl. I can talk myself into "feeling" hungry, but my sure signal is a growl...so that is what i need to wait for. You also stop when you feel full. I seem to give a deep breath when i am full...and sometimes this is only after a few bites. And that usually seems quite unfair to me. Really? Three bites? That's all??? Which brings me to the next thing. Eat slowly, and in small bites.  That way you don't feel cheated after a small amount of food. And start with a small amount of food. cut your regular portion size in half. most of the time you still won't really need even that much food, but if you do eat all of the smaller portion, it is still half of what you would normally put on a plate. at a restaurant, immediately cut food in half and get a to go box. out of sight, out of mouth. Try to think of food as gas for your body. You only need so much to get to the next stop. Fill the tank, and then leave the pump. You don't want to put in more than you need. 

I also am quite aware that I am a mourner of the food i don't get to eat. perhaps we will talk about that another time...this is getting long.

Off to the bridal fair, lot's of cake there. But honestly, since it is something sweet, i won't have a lot of trouble turning some down. However, if we were trying to pick potato chips or something salty, i might be in trouble. that too is a discussion for another day.

145

that's what i weigh. 145. i joked last night about trying to type such a big number. i even thought about typing it out...one hundred forty five. but that makes it look even bigger. i also thought about not admitting what my weight is, i would wait until i lost to my goal, and then announce "i lost 35 pounds" or whatever. and perhaps you are wishing i would have. but it seems more shocking to put my actual weight in writing, in green and white. and i really feel like i need a shock to get going on this. because there is a part of me that is saying, "really??? how have i gained this weight? how can i weigh more than i ever have, except when i was pregnant?" 

if i am honest with myself, i know exactly how. 12 years ago, i weighed 108. i kept that for almost 3 years...not a long time, i know. but when my grandpa passed away in 96, i did not want to stay with the principle of only eating until full. i missed him so much, there was so much good food around my grandma's house from friends at their church...and somehow i convinced myself that the food was a comfort, that stuffing my face made me miss my grandpa just a little less. that started a cycle of eating constantly, starting in the early evening and going until i went to bed. i am still fighting that cycle, because now it is done without even thinking of it. i just eat. now i don't always seek comfort from food, i just consume it without thinking. 

so, now here i am. i have until may 1 to reach my goal, cause i will need to be at my goal to  get a really cool dress for skyler's wedding. and i don't want to be unhealthy anymore. my hips hurt all the time, and i know that a big(no pun intended) part is my weight on them. and, mostly i am tired of complaining about being fat, but not doing anything to lose the weight. 

so here we go...next blog i will try to give a short overview about the principles i am using to lose the weight...not a diet, a change in lifestyle. so, so do-able. but only if i am consistent, and learn to lean on God, to seek comfort from Him, to be constantly aware of Him, and not use food as a substitute for what He can, and wants, to give me.

Just another day in paradise

so i was gonna get all mushy and post a video of a song i heard today: phil vassar's "just another day in paradise". but when i went to youtube---the embedding had been disabled. i hate that. oh well, catchy little country tune, not new, but it made me think of hillenblog. one line says "well, it's two hearts, one dream, wouldn't trade it for anything". i feel like that is us...and i really wouldn't trade it for anything. maybe it's coacher's blog about his wife, or planning out sky & chad's wedding, or the upcoming nuptials of mandy & bradley, or maybe realizing how fast the last 19 years have passed. whatever, it made me think that i really do like that guy.

another thing i like is all lower case. i am sure it is driving someone crazy out there, and it may not last long, but mandy and bradley's invitations are all lower case, and i like it.

i will be blogging more often, but you may not wanna tune in. I am gonna be losing some weight, hopefully, before sky's wedding, and i have decided to blog about it. maybe putting it all out there will inspire me to keep with it. it will not be pretty, but it will be honest. you've been warned.

barrett started high school today. i prayed for him all day. we start at 7:30 now, so up at 6 and out the door by 7:05. killer. but so far so good!! he gave me a hug a bit ago and said mom, high school is okay. so at least the first day went well, and we can look forward to a good year.

well, omelets for dinner, eating only til full, with good friends over to share. love it.

Oh my, oh my!

Yes, I know it's cheesy...but I have always loved this song...and I am so proud of Skyler, and so excited about her engagement to Chad. We really do feel blessed, and are looking forward to the next 10 months or so of planning!!  

wordle

I got nothin

Tonight's dinner: Mozzarella Chicken(Sunday Dinner vol. 1),spaghetti noodles, steam in bag vegetables(broccoli, cauliflower, carrots), salad(spinach, the spinach/strawberry salad dressing, and pears), and rolls(sister shubert's dinner rolls). Seemed to go over quite well with everyone.

I cut some lettuce out of the garden tonight. Too bad it was after dinner. 

We are watching Last Comic Standing. Way too long of a show. 

Barrett and Chad are going on a canoe trip with some of the guys. They leave tomorrow and get back Saturday. Sky is spending tomorrow night at her friends house. So it is almost like practice for empty nest syndrome. Except we are excited.

I really don't have anything to blog about...but i hate seeing the 5 weeks after my name. Now I will be before Skyler. Not that it's a competition. But I am ahead now.

Well, that's it. Nothing to speak of, but a blog none the less.

Those were the days

I found this while looking at pictures from 2003. Can you believe this is only 5 years ago? So cute then, so cute now....

This is Barrett's favorite comic.

The reinactment part is kinda irritating at times, but if you will listen to the whole thing, he is very funny.

Feel free to add to the list...

S-smile, sarcastic, sensitive, smart, silly, sweet, sunshine, singer

K-kidder, kind, kettlecorn,

Y-young, yardage, yuletide

L-loyal, loving, little, likeable, lovely, 

E-enthusiastic, eloquent, edifying, entertaining

R-reader, righteous, real, 

It is hard to put you into words. You are everything I ever dreamed my daughter would be, yet so much more. You are secure in who you are, even when you are not. You are a trend setter, and WANT to be different, something I never wanted to be. You have gone from a baby who smiled all the time, could entertain yourself, and who loved music, to a beautiful young woman who still smiles most of the time:), can still be by yourself and not be lonely, who is the best singer I know, and it is not only me who feels that way.

I have always told you that we were not friends yet. That if we were friends, I was not being the parent I should be. That someday, when you were grown up, we would be friends. It is amazing to me that we are just about there. I see in you the friend I want to be, and look forward to being just that--friends. I will always be your mamma, and you know I love it when you call me that. You can always ask for advice, and for yet a little while, I will still be in charge. But now, the picture of us as friends is becoming clearer. I cherish you. I love you. Happy Graduation. Happy Growing Up. Happy looking forward. You are my gift. 

Lorraine

Everything old is new again

Ryan B. is over hanging out with Barrett. This is the first time we've seen him since his family moved to San Diego last year. It's nice to sit and listen to them talking. Like they've never been apart, except Ryan's voice is deeper, and he is taller. Same easy banter, griping, and Ryan can still beat him in slugfest 2003.
I changed my post name to cin. This is what almost everyone calls me, even my dad! It's not that I am no longer hillenblogshappywife, i definitely am. No complaints with him, us, any of it. But it is just easier to write cin, or cindy. And unless I remember to sign in, it puts me as cindy anyway. So I just decided to change it.
Getting ready to go to a wedding rehearsal. I hear the auditorium looks amazing. Can't wait to see it. Some kids we have known for like seems forever are getting married. Wow, I am old.
Just a note to say, if you don't read Bybee's Blurbs, get to it. Probably everyone else does but I got caught up today, and that girl is hilarious. Plus I used to want to teach English(believe it or not), so it is fun to see the poems, and the topics her classes write about.
I emailed Becky today. I wonder when it will sink in that they are really in Italy. Despite the pictures, which are great, and the posts and emails, it still feels unreal. I guess this is good in some ways, and learning how it will feel when Min & Perry go to the Philippines.